I attempted my first Lectio Divina (Holy reading) on Sunday.  For those of you who are not familiar with this practice, it’s simply taking/making time to meditate on Scripture.  Simple concept, yes.  Easy practice?  Not so much.

We were given Mark 6:46-56-Jesus walking on the Sea, or lake (depending on the version, I guess just some sort of large body of water.)  The instructions were simple, read it until a word or phrase “speaks’ to you.  On “average,” this could take 4-5 times.  Needless to say, after reading it 10 times, I was pissed.  I’ve always been an over-thinker, over-“chewer,” over-analyzer, but this was ridiculous.  I couldn’t even get through the story without my mind jumping around in million different directions.  “Why can’t I stop?  Why can’t I focus? What word should I pick? I wonder what other people are picking.  How do you pronounce that word? Is it too hot in here?  My back hurts.  How much longer do I have? What if nothing speaks to me? Shit, just pick a damn word, Bonnie! {long pause} I just cussed during my meditation, my Scripture meditation.  Shit, I’m sorry, Lord.  Oops, I just cussed again.”  The internal battle was quite exhausting, but I pushed through, and was finally able to pick a phrase and let God do the rest.

Since then I have attempted it a few times on my own, without much success.  I could blame it on the extra espresso for my lack of focus, or the lack of structure, or any other million reasons that I find meditation so damn exhausting-but the truth is; I don’t have time.  Let me rephrase that; I don’t make the time.  I don’t make time for God.  Ouch.  And then the guilt comes and washes over me wave upon wave upon wave.  What a vicious cycle!  So where do I go from here?  I’m still struggling to find that sacred time with God on my own, however, my first plan of attack is to let go of the guilt.  As Pastor Shayne stated in our ‘Lectio Divina’ practice on Sunday, “Acknowledge the guilt, and Let it Go.  It serves no purpose but to self-destruct if you hold on to it.”

“After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside alone, to pray.”   Mark 6:46

So, I will keep trying. I will keep searching for my “mountainside.”  I will also continue to talk to Jesus throughout the day, as if he’s a close friend, walking beside me. And maybe, if I shut up long enough, I can turn down the noise of my own mind, and let him speak to me.

See you on the mat.


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